Back to Blogging……finally!

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written my last blog. Okay, let’s be honest……it’s been a really longgggg time any way you look at it. I’ll explain….

It was back last summer (Aug 2016) that I decided I wanted to write a book. Hence my last blog post on the excitement on the fact that I wanted to take on this endeavor. I had NO idea what it would entail. IF I did know all the emotions/tears/anger/and self-realizations that would come along with it, I’m not sure I would have put myself through such a process.

But alas, silly (!!!!) naive me had no idea what I was in for.

Every week, I’d meet with my amazing editor. We would talk, talk and talk and she recorded all our conversations. She has an incredible ability to ask questions and dig deeper into why things happen, what they mean, and how I felt.  And after each session, I’d have homework. I would need to elaborate on each story we talked about…..and add details, details and even more details.

At first I was incredibly uncomfortable. I’m used to glossing over details, especially the ones I would never want to share with another person. I had thoughts and feelings and to say them out loud was baffling to me. I would leave our sessions and think “WHAT! I had NO idea about x, or I can’t believe I just revealed y.”

Sufficed to say, my brain was a totally muddled mess…….ALL the time!

I always have a “To-Do” list with clear goals but every Sunday after our sessions, I tried to make it as simple as possible so as not to get even more overwhelmed than I likely was. My only goals (surrounded by smiley faces and calming words of reassurance to myself) was, “Breathe, go on a walk and decompress.”

Everything was personal and every week I was learning more about myself that I had chosen to forget over the years. Every story I wrote, I had to do my very best to commit and place myself back in that situation (example – as a 10 year old child) and write from that point of view. It was HARD! There were many times I wrote and didn’t even realize I was sobbing till I finished. Or the anger I felt towards my ex. Or the sheer disappointment and ill-feelings I had towards a female mentor I had early on in my career.

Emotions flowed and as a private person, it was a HUGE struggle for me. Everyday felt like a revelation. I felt helpless and wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I never knew how I’d feel at the end of the day when I completed my writing for the day – sad, angry, vulnerable. But more often than not, it was an emotionally draining feeling. I HATED not being in control.

I stopped planning dinners with friends, had no desire to try a new activity or even discover a new area to walk in Toronto. I stopped dating and pretty much became a little hermit. I grasped at anything familiar and safe with ALL my might. I yearned for control. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or try anything new. At the end of the day, having a peaceful dinner exactly how I like it, in my sweatpants and trying to laugh at a TV show were the only thing I wanted.

Thinking of the energy it would take to do my hair/makeup, get dressed, have a conversation with a new guy and eat unfamiliar food was too much for me to handle. (It was odd because one of my FAV things to do is try new restaurants in the city! No Joke……I have a list of restaurants/bars, categorized by different neighborhoods in the city. Yup – the Type A and nerdy versions in me come together) But, sadly I had nooooo desire to even look at my list)

Talking about my life made me feel raw, vulnerable and exposed and it was something I NEVER expected. I did not know how to process these new feelings and emotions.

I wasn’t planning to stop speaking (as a Motivational Speaker to companies/schools) but I decided that my book needed all my attention. It took 4 months to get everything down on paper. (We’re now in the editing phase)

So circling back to my absence from blogging had a lot to do with the fact that after writing my memoir each day, I couldn’t bring myself to write more. I was emotionally exhausted and felt drained and more often than not, my brain was swirling with thoughts that I did not know how to process. I’m not sure I could coherently blog even if I wanted to.

Each week my editor reminded me to blog and as the weeks and months went by, it became harder to start up again. I just thought, now I have 100 blogs to write, got overwhelmed and decided it was too late. So last week, she once again reminded me – all I have to do is START! One step at a time and there is no time like the present! It feels great to be back……..finally! (Thanks to her for the swift kick in the butt! I needed that!)